Saturday, February 28, 2009

DAY 6 IN HOSPITAL / BEING DISCHARGED / FEELING TOXIC FROM MEDICAL DRUGS

Day 6 in hospital/Saturday morning and all I wanted to do was go home but I had to wait for Gareth, my plastic surgeon, to discharge me. He said he would come mid morning. I just wanted to get home and restore normality.

After seeing the hours he worked (he would sometimes still be in theatre at 10pm!) the least I could do was be patient while he had a lie-in.

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I heard Gareth's voice in the next ward! After 6 days in hospital, I had began to relate to one of Pavolov's dogs - getting excited everytime I heard my plastic surgeon's voice as this meant new information or a step closer to being told I could go home.

My family came to collect me. My sister, Kirsten, had come up from Durban to help look after our children while I was in hospital. Thanks Tink! We are so grateful!

Kirsten had baked some cupcakes with Grace and Lily (a rare event in our house!) but Kirsten had made the kids wait until they came to collect me before the were allowed to eat them. So I was greeted by my kids stuffing sugar cakes into their mouths! But nothing could eclipse seeing my family and knowing that I was going home shortly.


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Once home, I couldn't wait to get into got our bed. I felt quite weak, light headed, and emotional. I also felt toxic, acidic and had a severe toxic headache from the 4 anesthetics, all the allopathic medication, and the hospital food. I needed a long bath, to wash my hair, and a good cry!

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I was craving my mostly raw diet so I asked my brother Marcus to please make me a green smoothie (40% any edible green leaves + 60% sweetish fruit -> into the blender -> serve!). Instead Marcus put leaves, nuts, and no fruit = disgusting! But I was grateful for your effort, Marcus!


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Marcus went back down to the kitchen and tried again. This time, he juiced the vegetables and the drink was delicious!

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My dad arrived and brought me some gifts: pressure socks and some camphor cream. He was kind enough to rub feet each time he visited for which I was very grateful!


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Then it was time to cut off the pressure bra (which I had already half cut in hospital because it was so tight!)


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Cutting off hospital tags and checking my addict archetype into rehab!


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Feeling so weak and nauseous! Better for eating. Just a really toxic day.


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I finally fell asleep around 9pm and woke around 11pm after having a dream that I felt awake in. I have not had such a vivid dream in so long. It involved a gun, shooting 2 robbers (which were probably my surgeons! No malice intended to both of you!) etc.

I had to wake Glenn and ask him to keep an eye on me. He agreed but I could hear he was not even awake enough to know what I was saying!

Sunday morning came and I was one day further away from Saturday and the whole previous week in hospital.

Friday, February 27, 2009

DAY 5 IN HOSPITAL / 2ND LAST DAY

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High on medical drugs! I didn't enjoy this state - I felt totally incapacitated. I wanted you to see it.


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I battle to watch this one - it was so sore but the vein the one drip was in felt like it was in a spasm after 5 days and 4 ops and I was ready to rip it out myself!


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Missing my family and my life outside of hospital and being non-sick and my soberiety.


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So emotional from the medical drugs. Such appreciation for the small pleasure in life like food I like!


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Having a rampage while feeling quite light-headed and weak but I made myself get up and go outside to breath in the life of nature! (The 'Gareth' filming this video is not my plastic surgeon but a theatre quarter I befriended after 4 ops).


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Exhausted on last night in hospital.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

All cancer safely removed. Lymph gland negative. No chemo. No radiation. Reconstruction today. Thanks 2 all 4 the positivity. Glenn

Monday, February 23, 2009

More Surgery Snaps. - Glenn





Surgery Pics (uploaded by Glenn)





LETTER TO MY SURGEONS

Dear Carol and Garith

I am very grateful to have the 'Ca & Ga' team working on my body though this process.

This operation is the funeral for the body part that has brought me so many lessons & learnings.

The theatre is the mortuary for this dead part that needs to be removed so I can go and start the next phase of my life.

I have taken the pre-op sleeping pill as I have no need to see the innards of the theatre this time - I saw it before my sentinel lymph node removal op. I also trust both of you completly now so don't need to look you in the eye before this surgery.

I am also not in a hurry to wake from this op as I have a better understanding of the post-op pain and discomfort now!

I so appreciate your consideration for my medicine & healing beliefs, and for your genuine concern for me.

Thank you for doing this work which allows people to go on living with a better quality of life.

This surgery is the start of my wonderful, exciting new life: cancer-free & with so many learnings to share.

Heidi

PS. Please can you take as many photos as possible during the op for the people reading/who will read my blog.

I would like people who are about to / are going through this process to see what happens behind the scenes so there is less fear of the unknown, and more trust ad hope.
Just blogged letter I have written to my surgeons : www.HeidisHealing.blogspot.com
Testing Ping.fm to update Twitter, Facebook, Blogger, Plaxo & Linked In via web page

Sunday, February 22, 2009

MESSAGE FROM ALEX GREYLING

I received this kind note from the Alex, the man who was brave enough to stand up and run the project of foot patrol officers in our road. This project is largely responsible for stopping crime in our area.

Well done Alex. We so appreciate your hard, courageous work!
Heidi


Dear Northcliff Neighbour

As I write this e-mail Heidi van Loggerenberg from 18 Lily Avenue is getting prepped for surgery. I only found out yesterday that she was diagnosed with DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ, stage 0) breast cancer last year. It was her courage and initiative to arrange the first residents meeting back in October 2007 that got us off our backsides in Lily avenue and motivated us to do something about the crime in Northcliff. Please spare her a thought today as she is indirectly responsible for the Foot Patrol Officer in your street and the rest of the initiative that helps to keep your neighbourhood safe.

If you want to follow her progress visit www.heidishealing.blogspot.com From her blog it is evident that she is tackling cancer with the same courage and guts that we have come to know her for.

Heidi, Glen and the girls you will be in our thoughts and we all wish you a speedy recovery and the 80 years you want to still spend on this planet.

Keep safe

Alex Greyling
Tel (W) 011 888 8778
Cell 082 600 7688

Isikhova exclusive community-based street and private guarding
"Without us you could be missing a lot!"

SURGERY IS THE KINDEST ACT

As I was fallin asleep, I had a thought that made me get out of bed and blog! I was reminding myself again why I am having surgery: I want to be alive for myself and my family. It is the kindest thing I can do for myself and them.

It feels so strange that an act so brutal can be so kind.

It also feels strange to be being so kind to myself. I feel a weird sense of accomplishment that I am actually in a place in a my life where I feel this deserving of kindness to myself and others. I would never had imagined this years back!

I feel like crying all over again but I must get some sleep!!

SURGERY TOMORROW 23.2.09



A HUGE THANK YOU to everyone for all your messages of support, encouragement, and positivity! It means so much to me.

I was feeling quite low after seeing plastic surgeon on Friday and hearing that I will now have 2 op’s and will be in hospital for 5 days and not 3.

I have felt you energy on the energy-waves and am back to my charged positive state. Thank you!

We had our parents over for lunch this afternoon to thank them for everything they have done and everything they will do in the next few weeks to help us.

I explained my surgical process again, what needs to happen with the kids, and that I am not sure what I will need so we agreed to take each day at a time.

I now have a YouTube account so will be vlogging (video blogging) this week. Glenn may also do a few blogs. Not sure whether I will be able to type or not….or even be able to speak on pethidine!

A few thoughts have started creeping into my head from my saboteur archetype saying that it is not possible to get off so lightly, that the doctors may not get all the cancer, and that I may need to have chemotherapy to really understand what others go through so I can be truly compassionate after this.

Every time these thoughts creep in, I thank my saboteur archetype for reminding me to think positive thoughts and to put my energy into feeling self worth and self-love.

Sometimes I think it is easier to think self-destructive/punishing thoughts than to think about being the best you you can be. That is quite daunting! But I just keep focusing on moment-by-moment getting myself to my best me.

I am focusing on me being alive on the other side of this op…. for the next 80 years…with all the knowledge this learning has brought me…in the best health ever!!

I feel very ready for the exam that lies ahead of me tomorrow (I have the student archetype as well!). I want to write this exam and graduate so I can start to use my experience to help others.

I keep putting myself physically in the state I associated with Jimmy (NLP): both hands in the air, fingers in V (victory) sign, and huge satisfied smile on my face, shouting ‘I did it!

My heart is with all those people, where ever they are in the world, who are facing this exam less prepared and are feeling terrified right now. I send you courage, hope, love, and energy.

You can heal. It is possible for you to heal. You deserve to heal.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

LUNCH WITH ROB & ULINDI + CARE PACKAGE









We went out to lunch today with close friends of ours, Rob and Ulindi.

They presented me with gift and card from Glenn's work colleagues.

Rob and Ulindi had gathered care messages from people in their office.

Thank you so much to everyone who wrote in the card and contributed to my gift! I am so overwhelmed by your support.

I was feeling quite low after seeing plastic surgeon yesterday but felt better after the lunch.

I will use the blanket in hospital to stop me shivering!

Perfect gift - thank you, thank you, thank you!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

THE ANESTHETIST: DR DU PLESSSIS


I met with the anesthetist, Dr Du Plessis (011 482 1484), today. He will administer my anesthetic during my surgery on Monday (23.2.09).

He needed to know whether I have any allergies to the anesthetic, antibiotics, anti-inflammatory medications, and pain medications that will be given.

I told him I am allergic to allopathic medicine in general! He did not find this funny.

He also asked if I had any serious illnesses. Normally I get to say no, except for virtually non-existent psoriasis. So I pulled his leg and said 'Nothing except for breast cancer'. No laughs again.

I told Dr Du Plessis that I shiver and shake quite a bit after an anesthetic (when my right sentinel lymph node was removed, I only started shivering and shaking once back in the ward and the nurses were quite unsympathetic).

I asked him what caused this?

He explained that this was due to a number of factors:

  • The theatre is kept quite cool during the operation
  • The anesthetic causes vasodilation (blood vessel dilation) and the blood moves from the body’s core to the periphery (arms & legs) as well. This results in the blood being exposed to more skin surface area so more heat is lost.
  • Pain medication, especially morphine, has this side effect. Pethidine does not seem to have as severe an effect so I will be given this.
  • The body registers the surgery as a major injury,and so the stress hormones (eg. cortisol) rise resulting in a drop in body temperature.

I asked how he was going to help prevent this after Monday's operation?:
  • During the operation, Dr Du Plessis will cover me with a paper blanket. Warm air will be blown underneath the blanket to keep me warm. The combo of the blanket + 'hairdryer' will follow me to the ward afterwards.

Dr Du Plessis then took my blood pressure (which was 98/62 – it is always a little low), listened to my lungs, and looked in my mouth. All fine.

I asked him if he would take photos during the surgery for my blog and he said he would.

Return on Tuesday or so for surgery pics!

I will post pics of pre-1st breast implants, post-1st implants, pre-removal of 1st implants, no implants post-mastectomy, insertion of tissue expanders, and finally insertion of 2nd breast implants.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

RECON OF MEDICAL BILLS



Another behind the scenes task is to ensure that I remember to pay all the medical bills, fax the invoices through to the medical aid/insurance, and keep track of what/how much of each bill they have paid.

I have made separate folders for each doctor to ensure I keep an complete record of all my bills.

As we do not have a landline at the house we are renting, I can’t fax the medical invoices through to the medical aid.

Glenn’s mom, Ione, has kindly faxed all my doctor’s bill through to the medical aid. Thanks Ione!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

NO SURGERY DONE TODAY



I did not have surgery today for 2 reasons:
  1. Because my right breast was still quite swollen from injecting the soda bicarbonate into it (detailed in a previous blog). Dr Carol Benn said she could not operate on a breast that was that swollen so I would have to wait a week and thus I could have the date I wanted ie. surgery in the 2nd half of my cycle.
  2. I wanted to have surgery in the 2nd half my menstrual cycle to lessen the chance of recurrence of breast cancer (detailed in a previous blog).
Thank you to everyone who remembered the first surgery date of the 17.2.09 and sent their well wishes. And a special thanks to Henriette for the BEAUTIFUL flowers!!

SURGERY IS NOW BOOKED FOR MONDAY 23.2.09.
Operation at 2pm but will be admitted at 8am.

DECONSTRUCTION OF THE LILYPAD (OUR HOUSE)



As I am in the process of self deconstruction pre-breast reconstruction, the builders moved on site today and started a parallel process in our house.

We lived in the house during the renovation and I was pregnant with our second child, Lily for the duration.

I remember the day we drove to the hospital for Lily's birth, there were builders lining our driveway just staring at me!

I then had to stay at granny's house for the first 5 days after Lily's birth as the builders were still not finished and there was dust in every part of the house.

I was so exhausted by the whole building process and now had a new baby to deal, with no pause between.

I believe the first half of our renovation contributed much to the development of my breast cancer. It was so stressful and I gave it my all.

I mothered the project and felt like I 'birthed' the renovation/house in a strange way.

The sadness and frustration that our house was incomplete got swept under the carpet because Lily was more important.

This time round we have a fantastic architect (last renovation I was the architect and the architect was essentially a drafts man). She gets as stressed out as I did first time round and she project manages like I did.

All I keep saying is that I am so glad we moved out! I walked away after out first site meeting feeling calm and detached, knowing that someone else, whom I trust, is being me. I can let her buffer the stress.

I feel like I am in a parallel universe to the last 4 years, one that I have helped create just the way I want it. This universe is wonderful and I am worth enough to detach a bit. My ego is also less caught up in a house.

I am free to get on with what I am really passionate about and that feels good!

Monday, February 16, 2009

MY WEEK BEFORE SURGERY: CHEERS!


This is my last week before surgery on Monday 23.2.09. I am taking this week very easy.

I have seen as many friends as possible for tea, played with my children as much as possible, and just tried to relax in general.

I have not booked any practitioner appointments except with the anesthetist whom I have to see prior to surgery.

I have stopped all treatments and supplements in case of any interactions with the allopathic medicine I will be given during and post surgery.

Oh, but I have snuck in a colon cleanse/irrigation on Friday as I have been having backache in the region of my transverse colon with slow-ish bowel movements. This could be a combination of nerves and trying to eat less fruit because it contains sugar which could feed the cancer (explained in a previous blog entry).

It feels quite weird counting down the days until I won’t have my real breasts, nipples, or much feeling in my breasts anymore.

When I start to feel like I should be wearing boob tube tops or walking round the house topless, I remind myself that life goes on. I don’t need now to radically change my behaviour to include something I don't normally do.

I feel that I have mourned the impending loss of my breasts adequately leading up to now. I now feel calm and happy. I may still cry once a week or so but the intense grieving is mostly over and if I cry now, it is mostly to relieve the stress as well as for joy and my blessings.

I feel so happy and it feels weird to feel this happy. I feel light, positive and rearing to start the next phase of my life with all my new learnings.

Friday, February 6, 2009

LIVE BLOOD ANALYSIS - DR PRICILLA ROWAN










I went to see Dr Pricilla Rowan this week (Nutritherapy, + 27 11 452 4703, Edenvale).

Dr Rowan is a medical doctor who practices complimentry medicine.

She works on correcting imbalances and unhealthy changes in the blood with large doses of vitamins and minerals, oxygen therapy, homeopathic medicines, tissue cleansing, medicinal herbs, and diet. Most of her medicines are administered intravenously.

Dr Rowan uses live blood analysis to determine the status of the blood. She pricks your finger, squeezes some blood out on to a glass slide and put it under a dark field microscope.

This microscope shines a light onto the blood from the top making it easy to see the constituents of the blood against the black background.

My blood showed changes towards fermentation and fungal (not Candida) growth. This means that due to the raised acidity of my blood, certain cells which are pre-cells (which can develop into anything really: fungi, bacteria, or viruses etc) are starting to display fungal characteristics.

I am decomposing from the inside! I know about this condition and, although it is very mild, was shocked to see those changes in my own blood!

An interesting note here: I had my blood analyzed 3 times over the 2008 and I was never told this. Either the people doing the analysis did not have enough experience or these changes are new. I have also eaten more cooked food recently. Last year I ate a vegan, mostly raw diet.

From the pics you can see my red blood cells are in stacks. This is called Rolation and can make you feel tired as there is less surface area for oxygen to bind. Exercise and an increase in dietary minerals helps to separate the cells. Digestive enzymes also helped this last year.

My blood needs to become more alkaline and more oxygenated. Dr Otto Warburg won 2 Noble prizes around 1945 for proving that cancer thrives in an acidic, anaerobic (lack of oxygen) environment.

Dr Rowan prescribed the following treatment:

Drips containing:

ο Hydrogen peroxide (H2O2 3%) - this splits into oxygen and water in the blood. The oxygen changes the blood from anaerobic to aerobic speeding healing and making hard for the cancer to survive.
ο Soda bicarbonate - this helps to alkalizes the blood.
ο Magnesium sulphate
ο Manganese sulphate
ο Zinc sulphate
ο Selenium
ο B6
ο B12
ο Sodium chlorite

Orally:
Vitamin C powder (6g per day) and l-lysine
Dr Vogel's alkalising powder

Dr Rowan said I should be able to see a change in my blood after 4 drips. I asked how many we could fit in before surgery and we agreed I could have 1 drip every second day.

I am still holding out something will work before then but I am not moving the date.

I drove to her rooms for 2 drips and will carry on at home as her rooms are quite far from me. I called a home nursing service to do today's drip.

A nursing sister arrived and after 4 attempts to get the needle in (and I HATE needles) she said her colleague would come back later.

I could not find my Rescue Remedy as we have just moved and everything is still in boxes but I found some wine (not on the cancer diet, I know) in the fridge! After 3 big gulps, I felt less shaky.

Cynette, her colleague, got the needle in first time and I had my third drip. This lady has worked in a few cancer wards and eats lots of raw food! We had lots to talk about. I will make her a green smoothie when she next comes!

After listening to my whole experience and exploration since my diagnosis, she said I have to tell other people about what I have done.

But only a biopsy will show if there have been any cellular tissue changes (this is booked for Monday next week!).

(The last pic is a bit blurred but just wanted to show that we used the clothes steamer as a drip holder!)

Thursday, February 5, 2009

THE BREAST PSYCHOLOGIST



I went to see the 'breast psychologist', Dr Karen Applebaum today. I had to see Karen so she can write an assessment of my mental state prior to surgery. This is for medical aid and legal purposes.

I was expecting her to be quite antagonistic towards me because more allopathic medicine focused practitioners generally are when they find out I studied homeopathy.

I explained my journey from diagnosis, breast duct removal, sentinel lymph node biopsy, core needle biopsy, my estrogen history, Chinese herbal medicine, supplements, trip to Germany to see if another country held a form of treatment that South Africa did not, diet, medical intuitive, energy healer, Neuro Linguistic Programming, Psych-K mind programming, positive affirmations, Caroline Myss, oxygen + mineral +vitamin drips, live blood analysis, to now. Shoo!

I must admit that just seeing all these practitioners saps my energy!

At the end of all of this, Karen said my cancer could just be random with no specific cause, and certainly not something I have done to get it.

She said I am a 'driver' type meaning I like to find the cause and be part of the healing versus a 'passenger' type who just believes it just happened to them and does what the doctor tells them.

Karen questioned me a great deal about why I have opted to have a double mastectomy and not a single. She said if someone has DCIS in one breast, the chances of the other breast getting it are 1 in 8. All women have a 1 in 8 chance of getting breast cancer. In the case of DCIS, my healthy breast has the same chance as any other woman of getting breast cancer ie. 1 in 8.

If the cancer was LCIS (lobular carcinoma in situ) meaning it had spread to the breast lobules as well, my healthy breast would have a higher chance of getting LCIS in the future. This would be more motivation for a double mastectomy. But I don't have LCIS according to the needle biopsy.

I told Karen that I had thought about this long and hard, spoken to many people, including women who had had mastectomies for breast cancer. I want to have a double mastectomy for safety and cosmetic reasons.

The chance of breast cancer returning after a double mastectomy is 1%. I don't not want this cancer to recur. I am not a candidate for radiation or chemotherapy.

Karen then tried to convince me to have just the right/affected breast removed. After a certain time period, I could then decide whether or not I wanted to do the other breast. This doesn't appeal to me because I would have to go for 2 anesthetics, 2 sets of post surgery antibiotics (and I hallucinate on antibiotics!), 2 sets of post surgery down time and recovery, 2 separate breast drains (to drain liquid left in the wound after surgery) for 7 days each, and the process would be too drawn out. I want to get on with my life!

The plastic surgeon is better able to reconstruct and achieve symmetry, shape and sizes similarities if done together. Splitting the op may also cost more in the long run. Also, the medical aid is more likely to pay if both breasts are done together. If the op is split, the medical aid may see the 2nd breast as purely cosmetic.

The next issue we spoke about was about me being upset that I could not have the mastectomy done in the luteal phase of the menstrual cycle. Studies done in the USA are showing that there is a higher chance of recurrence of the breast cancer if the operation is done from 1-14 of the cycle.

Seeing as I am doing a double mastectomy as a precaution, I don't want to have opted for this radical approach only for it to be negated by having the surgery at the incorrect time in my cycle.

Both the breast surgeon and the plastic surgeon are fully booked until the time I enter the first half of my cycle again. I am now faced with the question: do I wait until the following month's luteal phase (3.3.09) or do I request to be slotted in during the luteal phase of this cycle (9 + 10.2.09) instead of the date booked (17.2.09).

Karen is going to investigate moving my surgery date a week earlier, as well as a single vs double mastectomy.

I told her I know am one of those pesky patients but what if this new research has just filtered down to mainstream circles yet?? These kinds of things need pioneers to push them towards mainstream.

We parted on very good terms, having both enjoyed each other's view points. I expressed that I felt the medical team of breast surgeon, plastic surgeon, radiologist, mammographer, pathologist, and psychologist, needed a lifestyle/alternative/complimentary medicine opinion as well.

I believe women with breast cancer should have these lifestyle and complimentary medicine options made available to them so they don't just see surgery, radiation and chemo as the start and end of their treatment.



Links for the research about surgery in the luteal phase of the menstrual cycle:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8907825?dopt=Abstract

http://www.cbcrp.org/RESEARCH/PageGrant.asp?grant_id=241

http://www.pslgroup.com/dg/7c31a.htm

http://www.breastcancerchoices.org/FAQSurgery.html

http://www.scienceblog.com/community/older/1998/B/199801344.html

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

DR ANGELA LECORE - NLP / HYPNOSIS / PYSCH-K


I saw Dr Angela Lecore again today.

Dr Angela Lecore
M.B
B.S (London)
LRCP
MRCS
FRSM
FPcert
MBSMDH
Member of SA Clinical Hypnosis Society
Reg with psychological Society of SA


Tel: +27 11 706 6692



Dr Lecore used a new form of NLP called Psych-K (psych = mind; K = kinesiology) with me today.

I went to Dr Lecore because I wanted her to install the program in my mind that I can heal myself, it is possible for me to heal, I deserve to heal, and that my body knows exactly how to heal itself.

This is part of my aim to get more of my energy into present time by dealing with and releasing issues where my energy got stuck and was left in my past.

We started by trying to uncover the main issue that I felt was associated with the DCIS.

Last week we worked on a few phrases that would help us with today's work:
  • I fully understand all my lessons here (from this gift)
  • I am whole
  • I heal naturally from within
  • I love all the parts of me
  • I continue with my beautiful breasts
  • I am excelling!


Today we focused on installing new beliefs. She used muscle testing to confirm which beliefs my subconscious was running and then which belief statement/s my mind would allow her to install for healing.

I had noticed a burning sensation on my right breast near where the DCIS is. This would come on when I was doing domestic stuff like house or kids. I perceived these activities as boring and mundane. I longed to be writing a raw food book, teaching raw food classes, or just doing what I was passionate about.

I said maybe it was a 'burning issue I needed to get off my chest' so we continued to go deeper into the sensation. The first thing that came to mind was 'I feel worthless'.

Wow! I did not want to say that out loud because that is so aweful. But I put my jugdement of this statment aside as this would not be constructive to the process.

As I allowed myself to say the words out loud, I got the sense that this belief was not mine. I was able to stand back from it. My conscious mind started racing; pulling up at lightning speed all the things that had been attached to this hook through out my life. Wow, so much had!

Then it came to me! This was my dad's belief - he is German and has a German work ethic. He derives self worth laregly from his job and from the outside world. His belief had been installed in my subconcious from a young age. This was totally unintentional on his part.

I felt so grateful to my dad for being the messenger of this valuable lesson. I knew that before I left Dr Lecore's office, I was going to leave this belief behind and walk away with my own. I was weirdly excited!

Just realising the belief connection made me feel instantly distanced from the belief. I had already started to move beyond it but still needed something to fully remove it.

Last year I had questioned external things like the food I ate (Why was I just eating the food I grown up eating?) and the houseproducts I used (was there a more eco/human-friendly range of household products other than the mainstream selection?). Now it was time to question my internal world and the beliefs I was running on automatic (I have quite a few more now that I think about it!).

Next we chose a few phrases to do with self worth that we would have to offer to my subconcious (Loreal's: 'Because I am worth it' was in there!) as part of the reprogramming process.

We presented about 5 phrases to my subconscious, muscle testing each one, and the phrase my subconcious finally settled on was 'I am worthy in everything I do'. I did not judge the English of it - my subconsious liked it.

We installed this phrase and thereby undid the hook belief that was not mine and that had gathered so much baggage over the years.

We then asked my subconscious whether I had any other belief blockages. I had one more. This pertained to happiness and contentment. Obvious really - how could I feel happy and content if I did not feel worthy!

We unblocked this one and that was that! It all took an hour and a half. There was also no homework of positive affirmations etc to do this time either - great!

I must admit, I was a bit skeptical when I left her office because of the speed of the process but as I look back at this last week, I see that 'I am worthy in everthing I do' is fully installed!

I sat down took my first lunch hour in front of my maid/domestic worker! Before, I would have felt like I was undeserving of this and had to remain productive even while eating. I would gulp a few mouthfuls while continuing with some task. I also went and watched the sunset while our au pair was bathing the kids. Previously, I would have either never have done this or I would have felt so guilty while doing it However, I did not feel guilt - I just felt worthy!

The burning sensation in my breast has stopped. I started the oxygen, vitamin and mineral drips around this time so those could have had an effect as well. Either way, I am feeling better and I am enojying the interal progress I am making.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

ODE TO MY BREASTS

We moved house this weekend. We are about to complete our house renovation. We have done this in 2 stages because we had our daughter, Lily, half way through the last renovation.

I still can't believe we had to move but feel such relief that I have left the house that caused me so much stress over the last 4 years. I feel very unburdened!! It is a great way to go into the last 2 weeks before my mastectomy.

The house we are renting is brand new so it is clean, bright, and has a wonderful energy. I am glad we moved before my op.

Lily, who will be 2 yrs old in 2 weeks time, was a bit overwhelmed with all the change. We moved her from her cot into a bed tonight. Lily went to sleep after much crying but then woke after a short while.

I went upstairs to comfort her, and while I was holding her in my arms, she pulled on my pajamas and my left breast was exposed. The position reminded me of when I used to breast feed my daughters in the dark.

I just sat there and looked at my breast and nipple, and knew that on 2 weeks time, my breasts and nipples as I have come to know them, would be gone. I gave them gratitude for all they had done for me over the last 35 years. I felt very grateful that I had the opportunity to breast feed both my girls.

I also sent out heart felt compassion to all the women who got breast cancer and who never got not had the chance to breast feed.

LiveHeidi

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