Wednesday, May 6, 2009

DE & RE-CONSTRUCTING HEIDI

In 1 & 2.2009, I went to Dr Angela Lecore (who treats with NLP, hypnosis, and Psyche K) in pursuit of the emotional causes of the breast cancer.

The Psyche-K technique uses kinesiology to test whether or not my subconscious has a belief installed. If not, we install it. Over simplification for this technique but that I feel great afterwards!

Now that I have a bit of a breather from surgery etc, I want to pick up where we left off.

Before the mastectomy, we installed the following 2 beliefs in my subconscious:
  • I am worthy
  • I am Heidi
Today, I wanted to explore a theory by Lowell Ward that parents may have wanted a boy child instead of a girl child while child was in the uterus and therefore the girl never felt fully 'girl'. The girl then develops breast cancer asa result of not fully accepting herself.

The person who mentioned this theory had commented on why I had had both breasts removed when I only needed to have one removed (I had done this to lessen chance of recurrence by haivng as much estrogen senstive breast tissue removed as possible, and from a better reconstruction point of view). He questioned whether I was trying to feel more like a male??

I cast my mind back to growing up and remember being very much a tomboy. I was always playing bikes and skateboards, was crawling in rivers and storm water drains with the boys from my neigbourhood (all the kids in our neighbourhood just happened to be boys except for a girl next door who I never got along with).

I always wore a sleeveless vest under my t-shirts as I didn't like my the feeling of just the t-shirt on my chest/maybe of my nipples sticking through.

I cringed at the thought of parting with my vests when it came time for a bra so my mom gave me one for Christmas!! Very traumatic!

I was also in denial when my periods started so told my mom it was just a runny tummy.

Through my teens and early 20's, I was still very boy-ish but never thought much about it.

When I asked my parents whether they had wanted a boy, my mom said 'no'. My dad said 'no' at first, but then added that it would have been nice to have had a boy first to be assured that the family name would be continued!

Remember, there were no scans in those days to show the sex of the baby so parents had 10 months to wonder and wish for the sex they wanted. Even though we have scans today, parents could still desire the opposite sex, or feel disappointed, even if they know.

After I was born, my dad fell head over heals in love with me and didn't want anymore children!

I hate unexplored stuff so off with the lid!! During my session with Dr Lecore, she asked my subconscious whether gender was a issue for me.

My subconscious said it was an issue, back was not the main issue. We had to install the following beliefs first:
  • I can relax and be myself safely
  • I am confident, and therefore believe in myself fully
This is as far as we got today. A bit of a cliff hanger, I know!

I feel like getting breast cancer has given me the opportunity to unpack and question all learnt beliefs, behaviours, roles, and identities I have gathered until now.

I now get to clean my slate, and take only what I want to. I am working from the bottom up. This process is quite scary at times but very rewarding.

I still don't know where it will end up. I am consciously taking ownership of every aspect of myself and this feels so good.

I realise that 'growing up' and becoming adult, happens in tiny steps, never all at once.

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